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Ms. Kina Moondancer

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WELCOME!!! [31 Dec 2037|12:01am]


WELCOME TO MY BLOG!!!!!
• I talk about my life, and my beliefs. (Christian/Native American)
• I don't expect comments all the time.
• I am the typo queen, so get over it.


Please sit back, read and enjoy my rambling and pieces!!! Feel free to post away!!! I love to talk and answer questions! Any drama will be deleted, and if you continue, you will be banned from my blog!

Thank you, and welcome everyone! Welcome friends!!!!


Yes, you've stumbled on the blog of "Kina" Boyce from "65_Redroses" The one and only Wolf Clan Apache/Euro. Not sure if there is any other native hidden in my mother's side.
I will continue keeping most posts public for people to read and understand this damned disease.
I miss you Eva Markvoort 65redroses, and Meg Moore megmucus... Life isn't the same without your love to hold me up...
This also goes for the countless friends I lost from this disease..
Fanni
Stephanie cfkitty (Whom I loved with every fiber of my being... We were going to run away to where gay marriage was legal..)
Dan Henderson
Nick S
Heather
Katie Robinson... and so many more.....
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My life is a dream [17 Aug 2014|06:57pm]
So I know I haven't posted in a long time.
I was in a bad state of depression.
My lung function is in the 40s.
And I'm finding some things tough to do. But I try to ride my bike to keep my lungs as strong as I can!

I HAVE WONDERFUL NEWS!

I am re-engaged to Georg. I am moving to Germany in October to marry him and live my life dream! I've always wanted to see, and live in Germany!

I have to get sinus surgery before I can go, because the right side of my sinuses is full of polyps and puss.

Aedyn turned two the other day! My how time flies...

I promise I'll post more often now. I have a new life beginning, and I want to share it with the world!

Georg and I have been friends for four years now. And he was supposed to come to America to visit two years ago. But I called it off. Now I'm going to Germany!!!

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[17 Mar 2014|11:37am]
My mind is mush. I cannot think of what to write about on here. Life seems stressful, but that's expected at my age. I haven't seen Aedyn since Christmas. I spent a month and a half in heavy psych rehab. While I was there I met a ton of people. We all had to co-exist with each other. Sometimes there would be 15 people in the house, not including staff. Of course I thought this would push me over the edge. But I did cope with everything properly. I know I'm not the same person anymore. And I try desperately to grasp that person a few years ago. I know I will not be the same, because we are ever changing and evolving in life. I just feel like I was more stable and self aware before. Maybe I wasn't stable.. Maybe I was loess aware... But I guess I miss the days I wasn't fighting depression as bad as I am now.

Has anyone else ever wonder where time has gone? Has anyone wished to be able to go back in time? And when..? Why?

I miss a few summers ago. Horseback riding daily. Sleeping in tent..

I was in excellent shape, and I was less depressed. I feel as though the house fire really put me on edge, and Meg and Katie's deaths are what made me snap.
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[16 Mar 2014|04:42pm]

I dislike snap chat right now.....

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[11 Mar 2014|11:59am]

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[11 Mar 2014|11:07am]

So I should offer up my past month and a half. I went to the hospital for feeling suicidal. After two weeks there I elected to go to a adult rehab house to help me find ways to cope better with my depression and to tweek my meds. Now I'm on the right meds and I no longer feel horrible.

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Climbing out [09 Mar 2014|03:36pm]

Climbing out of my depression has been tough. But Kina is back and ready to face life with optimism.

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[08 Mar 2014|01:18pm]

Another good day!! Lots of coffee and Mountain Dew!!!

Read more...Collapse )

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Depression. [07 Mar 2014|12:36pm]
I just got back a few days ago from rehab. Not for drugs, but for my severe depression. I wanted to kill myself. And I am sory to say that. But I'm in a new chapter in my life. I'm ok. I'm alive, and I am much happier. I think they fixed how bad my depression was. My weight is 140 lbs now. I have not been this weight for four or five years. I'm curvy! I have all my piercings in but one. I need to find jewelry for it. Jeremy broke off the engagement. He went to the same girl my ex husband went to. I am not mad. I hold no grudge. I wish nothing but the best for them. I also moved on. Christian is his name. I met him in rehab. He knows me at my lowest. And I need someone to handle that. I am happy with my life right now.

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I want to scream! [25 Dec 2013|07:57pm]
[ mood | determined ]

I feel the rage, the pain, the wrath, and fear building up in my chest.....
Too many of my friends with Cystic Fibrosis have passed away this month alone. One friend was blessed with the call for lungs today. I'm praying hard for you Piper!

I feel like an absolute idiot for wandering away from livejournal for such long periods of time. Or letting this disease dictate what I say. Or having my mind draw a blank. I've always been a master with my words. Writing has always been my art. Singing was one of my favorite things to do. I was one of the top in my class. CF decided to be a dick and damage my lungs.. And my last year of highschool I had to give up chorus, and have classmates push me around in a wheelchair... I had my oxygen. I did my IVs. I got stared at. I was more angry with the fact this disease was stripping me of my ability to do anything... Sing, run, dance, anything that took any energy whatsoever. I missed running through the woods bouncing off of trees and leaping over creeks and fallen trees.

At 18 I was showing signs of lung failure.. I was on oxygen often. I graduated. I would have went across the stage with my wheelchair and oxygen. But luckily my health gave me a break and I walked myself over to receive my diploma after 13 years of hell. Hell of trying to keep up. The bullying because of my constant coughing. Or the jabs for getting out of gym. Do you think I wanted this? I was allowed to take aquatics class two years in a row. Low impact, and great for the lungs. But when I changed schools, I sat in a study hall.

At 19 my lungs were to the point where my doctor sat me down. And I knew what was coming. I was calm... An odd sense of peace washed over me. It was time to start thinking about getting listed for lungs. And I denied it.. I was still in the 40's with my lung function. I spent my 20th birthday in the hospital. And I almost died. I had a strong spiritual awakening then. I felt a sense of duty.

Not even 4 months after I turn 20, I had the talk again with my doctor. This time I agreed. Still calm, still at peace. What was there to fear at this point? Die without it? Die waiting? No damn it, I'd die trying.

After I got out of the hospital late spring, I was what I thought was fine. I guess you get used to dying. In June, my family found me face down on the floor in my bedroom doorway... My mother heard me literally drowning in my mucus.. When they rolled me over my pupils were fixed...large.. Lips blue.. Mucus pouring from my mouth.. It took the paramedics nearly an hour just to get me stable enough to transport to the hospital. Where my mother was left standing alone.. But she wasn't... We both know an angel was with her. An old lady approached her and handed her an angel in a stone that said "strength".. She told my mom she "needed it". When my mom looked up to thank this little old lady.. She was gone.. My mom had to call my fiance, Stephanie who was also in the hospital in Florida. I was being worked on for hours.. So many containers of puss and fluid suctioned from me... And a three day coma. Which I remember I was surrounded by angels whispering and glancing at me. Falling to my knees I realized I was no longer in my body. I remember telling them I have to much I need to do. I can't go yet. Then there was darkness.. PAIN.. then I literally felt a cold energy going down my body from head to toe. I felt like I was clawing my way back into my flesh. Then my eyes sprang open. And I woke up violent. I couldn't chew through the tube. I couldn't growl.. or scream.. or cry.... The tubing blocked me from vocalizing my terror. I had NO idea what was going on. All I remembered was falling asleep at home, and then angels. I thrashed in my bed, broke restraints, pinned down and I was biting viciously at the bite guard on the tube blocking my screams. I began screaming in my head, "Breathe Kina!!! BREATHE DAMN IT!!!" I heard a voice and my vision was still blurry. I saw a white coat.. I heard a man telling someone I wasn't going to make it off the vent at this stage in my disease...
"WHAT THE HELL?!!?" I thought.
The person he was speaking to was my mother. And that made me feel as if I lit on fire.
I began hyperventilating. I figured out how to breathe on my own on that machine. Lets say I was off within an hour.. And had some choice words to scream..

I wasn't here for three days...

I eventually made it out of the hospital. Spent a few goods months having fun in the summer.
I was listed on the list the day Steve Irwin died. When my mother called me and told me, I thought she was playing a bad joke....
Few hours later I am listed for lungs.. That's when the fear hit. Someone is going to die. And I will live. IF I get the call in time.

I didn't wait long. October 17th 2006 I got transplant! (Sadly I watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre that night... The nurse tried calming me down in the OR before knocking me out. She asked me "What movies have you seen lately?" She said I lost all color.
"I am replaying the scene the crazy man pushes the chainsaw through the back of the driver seat and through the girls chest in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre......" I whispered while shaking.
All you hear is DRUG HER!!!

Dear sweet Jesus....

I woke up, I looked at my nails. They were pink. I was in one piece.. AND ALIVE. I looked at my family and passed back out.

I started living life. Stephanie got a second transplant and that failed and she died before I even hit my one year anniversary of transplant. And that felt like I was struck by the hand of God.

I was told I was in chronic rejection months later. And I finally flipped out in front of my doctors.

Was I going to die like Stephanie? Then Eva asked me to be in 65_Redroses with her. I agreed. Not knowing WHAT I was getting into. Or HOW BIG it was going to get. I was just hoping to raise awareness, and help one of my friends.

My chronic rejection stopped and began reversing..... And this was caught on camera.

I strayed away from Livejournal. I was really living.

This is where I feel horrible.. Several of my friends I met on here, have passed away... I feel so angry. Not at myself. Just this faceless monster that we keep trying to defeat. And it's claiming us with each poisonous breath it takes.

I was shown an amazing metal song by my friend Morgen.

"65 Roses"
And Still I Rise
http://youtu.be/mhB6OgTIp98

This has given me renewed strength. This song is so fitting to the anger and pain, yet all the love and hope. This song was written by Stephen Haynes for his wife, Angel who has Cystic Fibrosis. The video gives me goosebumps. And first time I ever watched it I cried and felt the emotions... Now I sing and scream along to it. (Sorry family, I know I'm annoying)

I'm also working on a project. But that's a secret for now ;)

Over and out today. (Oh please excuse the eye patch I got a laceration on my eye.. Effin Ouch!)

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[15 Dec 2013|05:36pm]

I'm not sure what to post. I've been at a rut in being able to post how I feel.

I don't know if it's a part of getting older, or depression. I feel lost. Void.

Not good enough.

But I have been pretty lonely.

I'll post more later. I'm going to go spend time with my son.

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[08 Dec 2013|03:21pm]

Jeremy is down in Arkansas, helping with a film. It's hard being away from him. But I'm excited for him. He is doing something he loves and gets to see his parents.

I woke up this morning to see an email saying I have a paid account again! Thank you tallblue!


So now you can see a pic from the other day!

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[02 Dec 2013|12:23am]

Today is another day I've got to relax healing well happy smiling and a lot has been going on with fiancé has some movie works he's dealing with the work producer and then I have a doctors appointment on Friday. A find out if I am healed up and what the results are on all sorts of things but at least I'm over that hurdle of all that pelvic pain problems from my womb that it's removed. Deeply grateful for my family and everything in doing for me even in the time of need themselves. We're working together as a family to fix things and get things done.

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[01 Dec 2013|03:22am]

Today was a long day. But another day alive is nothing to fuss over. It's something I'm deeply grateful for. Not many people are as blessed as I am. Yes, I'm living in a tiny room at my mom's while I piece my health together. But in the next month or two I will be moving in with my fiancé and my best friend. I'll finally be in my own home own rules again. One day at a time. Lost my home to a fire. And I learned to live off nothing. I found more ways to keep myself occupied.

I found out from Abby today Beau hurt his back leg and isn't rideable. But he will be ok. I haven't ridden him in over a year...

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[25 Nov 2013|03:28pm]

Snow

It's here. The cold rips through Erie, and leaves warm days of the recent summer behind. This time of year is always hard on my body. The cold creeping into my aging joints and causing aches and pains. To the germs being passed around due to being stuck indoors. My 28th birthday falls on thanksgiving this year. Yet I'm not overly excited. I've suffered far too many losses this year. I lost many friends due to this wicked genetic poison. I often wonder why I'm still alive. I often ask myself why I am so hung up on my fears of getting sicker... Slowly .... Declining.... It's been one hell of a year. I've been wandering aimlessly trying to call a place home. Wondering where I belong. Wishing I lived in Germany... Or Florida.

But ultimately I figured I don't have a place I "belong". I do belong to the the earth, where my body will return one day. The ashes that will be scattered in various places in the world ... Returning to stardust. Back to my ancestors energies.... Back to the most beautiful existence.

But I am stuck in limbo at the moment. My health at a standstill, I'm not sure what to expect anymore. My body goes through cycles if weakness, then great strength. It leaves me quite jaded some days. Seven years ago I was laying in the hospital, after nearly dying... I formed a new respect with death. I no longer feared it. I began to embrace it, thinking that the end was rapidly approaching. Yet I somehow kept breathing. Death was only pushing me forward, not pulling me down...

I was told I was dying. I was told I needed a lung transplant. But that phrase has so many more hidden secrets. Someone would die in the coming year.... I would live on, while a family lost a loved one. I struggled with that idea at first. And eventually accepted it. I felt selfish for wanting transplant. I felt as though I was being a coward. Yet I felt no fear towards dying. I must admit, it was the thought of someone else's life being cut short. But that also was not true. Their time had come. And they were leaving behind hope. They no longer needed their flesh, and left that unto others. Such as myself.

When I heard the words, "The lungs are perfect, transplant is a go." I felt my heart sink, and my eyes began welling up in hot tears as my blood ran cold. I stuttered the words, " I feel like I killed them." My nurses and surgeon quickly had to reassure me that this was not taking away from someone. This was a gift to me. I needed to do something great in life.

And I have...

And I will continue to..

A great medicine man told me that I had something big to do, I wasn't going anywhere. Here I am. Defying the odds. Pushing limits. And testing fate.

I've become less fearful of many things in life.

I think that it is a weapon. The ability to push our human bodies forward in ways others creatures can't. Yet our bodies can be our own worst enemy.

We can unknowingly become infected with a deadly illness, and bring it upon others.

We can say things, that seem insignificant to us. And it can be a bullet to another person's heart.

No one is perfect. Nor will anyone ever reach perfection. It's a struggle that will never be overcome, and once we finally accept it. Only then do we truly live free.

Breathing ...

Living....

Existing...

We are all only oddly shaped pieces of the big picture.

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[18 Nov 2013|11:13pm]

Where do I start?
Well surgery went well. I was hung up a fews days inpatient with some minor complications. Pain became pretty intense. My wonderful doctor said there was adhesions on the uterus. Which was also causing plenty of pain. I'm going into week two of recovery. So life goes on from surgery. But something amazing happened! Jeremy asked me to marry him on surgery day! Right in the pre-op holding area!! And it was such a deep romantic proposal. We cried. And the doctors and nurses were all happy and word got around the hospital.

The ring is beautiful. Heart shaped with 35 diamonds! I love hearts! It's my favorite shape.

I've noticed many wonderful messages pouring in since 65_Redroses has been put on Netflix.

Thank you everyone who's been writing to me. I promise I will get back to you as soon as I can.

With Meg's passing in the spring, and Eva being able to breathe easy the past three years... I feel it's more of a duty than ever to honor them. And spread the word. Who knew it would continue touching so many lives, but Eva, and Meg had such big hearts. They had deep knowledge of pain, love, and appreciation of life.

I haven't written much these past few years . I guess I got caught up in life. But I think it's time I go back to writing, and recording my life again. This is where I began years ago finding friends, such as Eva. My girlfriend who passed away due to CF. And so forth... I still miss Kitty every day. I'm still alive. Still breathing. Wondering what more I have to do in my life. I have my son, my fiancé, and a legacy to uphold for Eva. And my legacy to leave behind when someday my time comes.

I'm deeply sorry for not posting much anymore. I need to. I need to reconnect with some of the most loving friends I've made in life.

Despite not meeting some of my friends they've been there. Supporting, loving, praying, and checking up on me.

Thank you.

With much love ...

Kina Boyce

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[05 Nov 2013|01:55pm]

Hysterectomy tomorrow...

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[13 Oct 2013|06:24pm]

Struggling today. Day by day I'm coping.

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[10 Oct 2013|01:30pm]

Nodule found in my right lung....

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[18 Sep 2013|06:56am]

Another day in this place called hospital hell. I am going to demand a psychiatrist this morning. I'm getting sick of having my psych meds meds with...

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